John vs his Homosexuality
by nubs-mcshouty
Summary: In which John fights pathetically for his heterosexuality and epically loses. Oh and Karkles has red room feelings for Nepeta. My first fic. This thing is psycotic.


John couldn't pull his eyes away. He couldn't stop staring at his soft blonde hair, the freckles that spread over his nose and cheeks, his eyebrows scrunched up in concentration. John wished that the blonde would take off his shades; he wanted to stare into his eyes and find out what color his eyes were. He bet that they would be big and beautif-

"John, I know. I am incredibly sexy but seriously, stop staring. Do you know how hard it is to write this stupid paper when you are gawking at me?" Dave said and turned his chair to face John, a smirk on his face. "Oh, and wipe that derpy smile off your face."

"I'm not gawking!" John protested. "And my smile isn't derpy."

"Yes, you were gawking and _yes_ your smile is derpy, Egderp." Dave replied, his smirk increasing in smirking power.

John tried to find an adequate retaliation but none came to mind. So he resorted to sputtering pathetically and turning his attention back to his books. "Whatever…." He grumbled. Dave said nothing but smiled and swiveled his chair back to the desk. John tried, he really did. But after five seconds of staring at his boring ass textbook, the words started swirling around. John sighed in defeat and pushed his textbooks and notebooks away.

His gaze drifted back to Dave. He had rolled up the sleeves of his red and white long-sleeved shirt. He watched Dave scribble something on the notebook next to him and pull out a highlighter from behind his ear. After highlighting a sentence in his textbook, he placed the highlighter behind his ear again. John smiled as Dave's tongue poked out in concentration.

"John, you're doing it again." Dave said and raised an eyebrow at him. John turned red and he sputtered again, trying to find an excuse as to why he kept staring at his best friend and dorm mate.

"D-doing what again?" John stammered out and pulled a huge textbook in front of his face. "I'm trying to study, thank you very much, Dave." John said and scrunched up his eyebrows in faux concentration as he pretended to study the words on the book.

"Oh that's what you were doing? In my personal opinion, it works better if you have the book right side up. But hey, who am I to judge your personal book reading habits?" Dave said smirking his infernal smirk. John opened his mouth, looked down at his textbook, and flipped it right side up.

"Whatever…" He grumbled again. Dave laughed quietly and turned away from the desk. He stretched his arms above his head and groaned. John did his best to hide his blush and not stare.

_'Oh my god' _John thought as he shoved his nose into his stupid text book.

_Stupid books. Stupid crush. Stupid John. Stupid Dave. Stupid stupid stup-_

"Wanna go grab something to eat, Egderp?" Dave said, interrupting John's mental rant. They had gone out to eat together many times, just as bros. But today it seemed different. John didn't want to go anywhere with Dave after a whole afternoon of awkward studying and staring. John just wanted to crawl into bed where Dave wasn't there to make him question his stupid sexuality.

"I'm not a homosexual." John grumbled his face still smashed against his textbook.

"I'm sorry, couldn't hear you over the textbook glued to your freaking face, Egbert. Come again?" Dave said. John couldn't see Dave due to the textbook in his way, but he could feel that he was smirking again. The air in the room became much more….smirkyer.

"I said 'I'm not a homosexual'." John repeated, pulling his face away from the textbook just a bit.

"Congratulations. Wanna talk about how not homosexual you are over lunch? I'm starving over here, Egderp. Wasting away." Dave said. John's stomach grumbled in response and John pulled his face off of his textbook and covered his stomach with the book.

_Stupid stomach_…

"Oh look, you're hungry too. Let's _go_." Dave said and made pushing motions towards the door. John let out a sigh and placed the stupid text book down.

"Fine. You're paying." He said and pointed a finger at the shaded blonde. Dave just shrugged and followed John to the cafeteria.

* * *

"God, the food here sucks. Why do we even come here anyways?" John complained as he poked his burger. Red liquid seeped out of the uncooked meat. John's stomach did a pirouette and he was suddenly so very not hungry.

"Because we're too lazy to drive to the Wendy's across the street." Dave explained and debated if he really felt lucky enough not to get food poisoning today. He shrugged and decided to go for it and shoved his tuna sandwich into his mouth.

"Oh yeah." John said and nibbled on his fries.

"Hey, fuckass." A raspy voice said and someone sat next to him.

"Hey, Karkat." John said and Dave nodded in acknowledgement, coolkid style.

"Vantas." He said, way too cool to great him with a 'hey' or 'hello' or even his first name. But no! 'Vantas' was how cool people greeted other people whose last names were Vantas. But I digress….

"Strider." Karkat replied, total coolkid style too. God, John was just surrounded by cool people. Damn his awkwardness, he could have been a coolkid along with the others. But I digress yet again…. Pull yourself together!

John coughed, trying to bring the author back to the situation. Gog, she could get so distracted! Like just the other day-

"You're doing it again." John said aloud, trying to help the author get a grip on her nonexistent attention span.

"Doing what again, Egbert?" Karkat asked, cocking an eyebrow.

"Nothing, don't mind me." A voice said omnisciently.

"Seriously? Just butt out and stop interrupting this with your stupid rambling! Sheessshhhh!" John cried and glared at the ceiling.

"John, are you feeling all right?" Karkat asked actually using his first name because he was seriously worried about his friend's mental health.

"Yes, I am. Karkat, you were about to invite me to the bathroom with you?" John said and raised his eyebrows.

"I- I was?" Karkat stuttered out.

"Oh, terribly sorry. Got a bit ahead of myself there." John said and giggled.

Karkat looked at Dave and Dave looked back at Karkat. Or should I say, Karkat assumed the shaded coolkid was looking at back at him. The dude could've been asleep for all he knew.

Dave looked at John; actually he just turned his head in John's general direction. Who knows what that boy is looking at? But alas, we have already covered this and we don't want John to yell at the author again and have his friends question his mental stability again.

"Are you okay, John?" Dave asked softly. So softly that John's cheeks started blushing from the softness and he had to cross his legs to hide the hardness. Really John? Over a soft voice? Teenage boys….the author is rolling her eyes right now. Yup, she just rolled them, rolled 'em like dice in Vegas. The author is stopping now.

"John! Accompany me to the bathroom my dear sir. I must urinate and I need your assistance in walking me to and from the lavatory." Karkat said and stood. Suddenly unsure of why he was speaking so damn properly. He needed to talk to the speckled ass but he wasn't sure why he decided to set the conversation in the bathroom.

Karkat needs to work on his lying skills.

"I thought only girls went with each other to the bathroom, Vantas." Dave said and raised an eyebrow.

"Well, maybe today I strive to break that stereotype, Strider!" Karkat cried and grabbed John's arm, "Egbert! Accompany me!"

John's eyes grew large and he wondered if maybe his friends were questioning the wrong person's mental health.

"Uh Karkat, I think you are more than capable of walking yourself to the bat-" John said as Karkat stood and pulled him away.

"Nonsense, Egderp! Now walk this way!" Karkat cried, so many people crying things…., and sashayed to the bathroom.

"You kids have fun." Dave said and waved.

"Oh we will, Strider." Karkat said, not turning back. After a few minutes of weaving through the crowds of people attempting to eat the dangerous cafeteria food, they finally made it to the bathrooms. Karkat walked into the women's bathroom and pulled in a protesting John.

"Karkat! Can't you read? This is the ladies' room; we're not supposed to be in here!" John yelped and tried to escape from Karkat's tight grip.

"This conversation just couldn't be discussed in the men's room, Egbert." Karkat explained.

"Why do we have to be in the bathroom to talk then?" John asked, giving up on trying to escape from Karkat.

"….it seemed like a good idea at the time." Karkat said and politely got out of the way of the sinks when one of their female classmates came out of the bathroom stall. "But that's not important, Egderp!"

"Why is everyone calling me that now?" John asked.

"Not important!" Karkat cried, border lining on hysteria. "Now, let's get down to business." Karkat said and sat on one of the many sinks. The girl gave him a weird look as she dried her hands under the automatic hand dryer. "You are well aware that I am an expert on everything quadrant related, right?"

"Quadrant?" John asked. Karkat rolled his eyes.

"C'mon, Egbert-"

"How hard is it to say John?"

"- I've told you about the quadrants before." Karkat said, completely ignoring John's question. "Now, Egbert-"

"Say it with me: Jaw-awn. It's really not that hard…" John interrupted yet again.

"-you know about red room romances. Now, you and Strider seem to have a type of moirallegiance, yes?"

"If you mean friendship then yes. Where are you going with thi-?"

"Okay, so you have a moirallegiance. Now, you seem to have a flushed crush for Mr. Strider too." Karkat said and wiggled his eyebrows. What is up with him? Wiggling his eyebrows? How OOC.

"Fl-flushed crush? No, Karkat, you've got it _all _wrong. See, I'm not a homosexual." John protested. The girl who had just finished drying her hands snorted in amusement at John's statement. "I don't need your judgment!" He yelled as she left the bathroom. "I'm not a homosexual." He pouted.

"Egbert, I am a bit of an expert at these sorts of things." Karkat started.

"Is that why you haven't gotten up the nerves to ask Nepeta out yet?" John interrupted and smirked. Yes, he smirked. Dave is rubbing off on him. Not that way you pervert! At least not yet (the author is winking and wiggling her eyebrows suggestively. No, wait, she's having a seizure)

"Not important!" Karkat cried, his cheeks turning red.

"I don't understand why you're nervous; the chick is obviously obsessed with you. Not that hard to ask someone on a date, Karkitty." John said and smirked even smirkier. Oh yeah, he used Nepeta's nickname for him. He just went there.

"JUST ADMIT THAT YOU WANT TO FUCK STRIDER UP THE ASS!" Karkat screamed. The foreign exchange student that was starting to walk into the bathroom quickly shut the door and walked away.

"I…I…" John stammered, suddenly forgetting his words.

"Exactly. Now come on, John. Just admit that you like him." Karkat said gently. Oh wow, he used John's name twice in one hour. John stood there awkwardly doing his best impersonation of a tomato and Karkat jumped off of the sink. He brushed off his butt and patted John on the shoulder with the same hand that had just touched his butt. "It'll be okay." Karkat said and walked out of the bathroom. John let out a heavy sigh and followed his friend out of the ladies'room. The foreign exchange student was standing outside the door, crossing her legs and waiting impatiently for the two boys to get out of the bathroom. As she shoved past them she grumbled something about Americans and their strange bathroom habits.

The two made it back to their lunch table to find that Dave had finished his tuna sandwich and was working on John's still mooing hamburger. But what made John's heart miss a beat wasn't the fact that Dave was eating John's food. No, it was the fact that there was someone sitting across from Dave. In _his _gogdamn seat. Terezi.

Now, John didn't dislike Terezi. He actually quite liked her. Not red room like but more as friends. But when he saw her sitting there and flirting with Dave, something snapped inside of John's not homosexual head. His inner woman came out and she was royally p-ed off.

Oh yeah, I just used p-ed off. Whatcha gonna do 'bout it?Yes, John is a woman and the author is a gangster that doesn't use proper grammar. Deal wit it homeboy! The author is stopping again.

"Hey, Dave." John said and sat right next to him. He turned toward Terezi and turned his nose up. "Terezi." He said simply.

Terezi cocked an eyebrow, seems like so many people are cocking their eyebrows…., at John's behavior. "Hey, John. How are you?" She asked politely and pushed her red glasses up her nose.

"Just peachy, thank you very much." John said and turned towards Dave. "Hey, Dave." He said again.

"You already greeted me once, John." Dave said and smirked.

"Well, maybe I wanted to great you again." John said and winked. He didn't know why he winked. He didn't know why he felt so much anger towards sweet Terezi. He didn't know why he was doing these things. It was as if the bathroom time with Karkitty changed him. John turned towards Terezi again. "Terezi, have you seen- oh wait you're blind." John said. Karkat face palmed. Terezi looked hurt and confused. John was wondering when a bitch possessed him. "I'm sorry Terezi! I don't know what's wrong with me! I'm so sor- No, you're not! Lay off my man, bitch. You wanna go?!" John said then clamped a hand over his stupid mouth. He mumbled out another half-assed apology through his hands then ran out of the lunch room before he did something stupid like attack Dave mouth first.

"Is he okay?" Terezi asked slowly. Karkat stared flabbergasted at the direction that John had just run off in and decided that he would never again try to consult anyone with red room problems. He broke John Egderp. *Egbert.

"Mid-terms. Takes it right out of you." Karkat lied.

"But the semester just started." Terezi said, more confused now than ever. Karkat mentally face palmed and decided that he would work on his lying skills.

"His professors have problems, okay?!" Karkat yelled and ran away in the direction that John had.

"What the fuck." Terezi said and took off her glasses and cleaned them as if they would help her see things more clearly. Oh wait, she's blind. The author has decided that she will do her best to remember that Terezi is blind. The author will also try to remember to not have Terezi see things by smelling them. Humans just don't do that. Silly humans.

"Sorry Terezi. Those two are just weird." Dave said as if that explained everything. Indeed it did. "Sorry but I've got to go check on John and make sure he's okay." Dave said and got up and left the lunchroom.

* * *

_Stupid hormones. Stupid Karkat. Stupid Terezi. Stupid bathrooms. Stupid foreign exchange student…_

John ran as fast as he could to the dorm and curled up in a ball on his bed.

"Goddamn it, Karkat." John said as if all of this was Karkat's fault.

After a few minutes of lying on his bed and generally feeling sorry for himself he heard a knock on the door.

"John, it's me." Dave said, feeling silly for knocking on his own dorm door but he felt it was what he was supposed to do. John got up from his bed and totally accepted his homosexuality as he combed his fingers through his hair and rubbed a finger over his front teeth. He opened the door and somehow managed to hit himself right in the face with it.

_Stupid door…_

"Ow." He greeted Dave and Dave smiled in response. A real smile. Not a smirk or anything but a real rootin tootin smile. The author will not ever in her writing career use 'rootin tootin' again. Note: she probably will.

"You okay?"

"My head hurts." John said as he rubbed the spot where the door assaulted him.

"I'm no doctor but maybe it was from when you slammed the door against your head, Egderp." Dave said and smiled again.

"I'm a homosexual." John blurted out. Dave's smile grew and he stepped closer to John.

"Well that's good. I'm a half faggot." Dave said and smirked.

"Half faggot?" John asked.

"It's what you humans call 'bisexual'." Dave explained.

"Oh, ha-ha that makes sense you know becau-" John's ramble was interrupted with someone else's lips on his. Oh look at that. Dave is kissing him. Dave started moving his lips and put his hands around John's neck. John decided that he liked this. He liked this a lot. He felt another tongue in his mouth and decided he liked that too.

I mean that Dave's French kissing him. John just didn't grow a second tongue whilst swapping spit with Dave and decides that he liked that. That's gay.

Finally they broke away because they sort of needed air. John smiled his derpy smile and Dave smiled back. Oh yeah, they were definitely going to be doing this a lot. John grabbed Dave's collar and pulled him into the dorm room, shutting and locking the door behind him.

* * *

[Cool transition]

Karkat's face was completely red by the time he reached Nepeta's door. He raised a shaking hand to the door and knocked thrice. A few seconds later, the door opened and revealed a smiling Nepeta.

"Oh! Karkitty!" She gasped and began sorting out her messy short black hair. "I wasn't expecting you!"

"Yeah, well I'm right fucking here aren't I?" He asked gruffly.

"Yes! And you look purrsitively handsome tonight!" She said and giggled. Karkat exhaled and brought his hand from behind his back and held them out towards her.

"I came here to see if you were free tonight to go see a movie or some shit like that." Karkat said, refusing to make eye contact.

"Karkles, of course I'm free." She said and sniffed the flowers, eyes closed. "They smell purrfect!" She exclaimed opened her eyes as she smiled, revealing her pointed teeth. Karkat smiled an actual rootin tootin smile. Oh dear god, the author did it again. He stuck out his arm towards her.

"Let's get out of here." He said and smiled again. Oh shit, he's gotta stop doing this. It's not right. It's not natural. What if his face gets stuck like this? Karkitty, you are scaring the little children.

Nepeta smiled and placed a small kiss on his cheek. "Let's go see that movie, Karkat. What do you have in mind?" She asked.

"I don't know but for gog's sake, anything but Aristocrats, please." Karkat pleaded.

"Oh that movie is great! Because a cat's the only cat who knows where it's at!" She sang out. Karkat smiled and pretended to be annoyed as Nepeta continued singing Everybody Wants To Be A Cat as they walked towards the movie theater.

**TEH ENDZ! [Streamers and shit falls from the ceiling] **

**That was beautiful. The author will stop rambling and get on with it.**

**Hi. This was my first Homestuck Dave/John fic. Hope you liked it. I had to change my writing style with this and I think I prefer writing like this. Hope it wasn't too shitty. If it was then….oh well. O**_**h! **_**By the way, they're in college for this. I don't think I actually mentioned that in this fic. Too well. *TOO BAD *OH WELL **

**Anyways…..thanks for reading.**


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